Normalizing non-monogamy challenges

Often times when I talk to folks who are either new to ENM (ethical non-monogamy) or don’t have support structures in their life to support them through non-monogamy challenges, the challenges they face in ENM feel entirely intractable. They feel like they are alone in the feelings they are having, or that it’s not working just for them, or that it’s supposed to be easier. The truth is, for a lot of people, ENM is a more challenging way to relate. It doesn’t inherently provide the structural security of monogamy.

A lot of the work around ENM, especially for folks who are new to it or don’t have a community around them to normalize it, is to work on naming the feelings, deshamifying the feelings, and normalizing the feelings that come up as valid and welcome. Those feelings are parts of us bringing our attention to our own attachment insecurities and wounds, and the insecurities within our relationships. The feelings call upon us to honor them and listen to them and work on finding security within our relationships.

Finding comfort in non-monogamy

With care and slowness in how we move through ENM challenges, we can repeatedly teach our mindbodies that we are safe. That when feelings come up, we will grow our capacity to hold them, and our partner(s) will be able to help us hold them. That these feelings are normal and acceptable and even welcome. We can teach our own little scared parts that we will be there for them, and we will not abandon them.

We can also teach ourselves to find comfort by tending to our own feelings. We can learn to discern between the threats that feel so real and present but are really our own attachment wounds and trauma and fears versus hurt that was or is being caused by our partner(s). We can learn to communicate our needs without attaching narratives of fears of abandonment to them.

You might be fearful, not jealous

Often what we think of as jealousy, are likely attachment fears. A way to tell the two apart for someone who has learned to normalize jealousy is that jealousy is a tangible contained feeling while fears can be all encompassing and spiraling. Jealousy can look like “omg my meta partner is such a good cook, I feel jealous of them because I am not as good in the kitchen” while a fear is “my meta partner is such a good cook, and who knows what other qualities they have that I don’t, and with enough checkboxes in my meta’s favor, my partner is gonna leave me for them, or be closer to them than me, or spend more time with them than me, and …” and on and on the spiral goes.

The two need different care and attention. Fears have deeper attachment trauma and insecurities behind them, and maybe even relational hurt with a given partner that might need healing. Jealousy is a feeling that could lead to bigger fears but at its core is just a feeling that we can teach ourselves to normalize and accept and name and deshamify.

Jealousy & compersion

Just as we can tend to form ideals of what any relationship is supposed to look like, we also tend to form ideals around what ENM relationships are supposed to look like: we don’t feel jealousy, and we feel compersion easily. In reality, jealousy is a very normal part of relating. Jealousy however is one of the most socially acceptable feelings to shame in ourselves. Jealousy is highly discouraged and we are supposed to be “bigger” than feeling jealousy at all. Deshamifying jealousy is makes it easier to hold and communicate and be held in our jealous feelings.

Compersion is something that takes healing, safety, flowy communication, secure attachment with ourselves and our partners, and mutuality with our partners. That doesn’t mean we can’t access smaller moments and hints of compersion for our partners. We might even find fleeting moments of being turned on at the thought of our partner(s) having other partner(s) before fears and jealousy take over. We can welcome those feelings and celebrate them if they feel aligned with who we are.