Curiosity & playfulness as a practice
Curiosity & playfulness is a perpetual practice of coming back to yourself and tending to the child within us who seeks safety so they can curiously & playfully learn about the world around them. I say “perpetual” because there isn’t an exact moment of arrival with learning about our true desires. It’s an ongoing process of discovery as we morph moment to moment, place to place, relationship to relationship. Our goal with curiosity about ourselves is to stay curious and listen – and not necessarily to find our “true essence” – I believe there isn’t a true essence to find but an every evolving self to truly be with.
How shame and trauma can shut down curiosity
Shame tells us that we and whatever we create and our desires and thoughts are shameful and not worth witnessing or expressing. Trauma tells us that we need to protect ourselves at all costs, that hypervigilance is how we protect ourselves after the hurt we have experienced. Shame and trauma are tightly woven in our bodies – and both turn off our ability to be truly curious about ourselves. Shame suppresses our desires and curiosity and play – while trauma stays in the hypervigilant self-narrativizing brain instead of being curious about who we are in this moment and what we desire.
As a more concrete example, when we are starting to be intimate with someone, the curious playful parts of us might have a desire to feel the other person’s skin or curiosity about how their touch feels, or what they sound like during sex. Way before that curious playful voice surfaces for so many of us, the shame that lives in our bodies might say “That’s too crass” or “That’s too childish” or “They will think we are weird if we express our desire to feel their skin”. At the same time, the traumatizing narrativizing parts of ourselves might say “We must not express desires before they do because we might get hurt if they say no” or “We were rejected once before so it’s best to preserve and protect ourselves by not expressing this desire right now”.
Our hope with curiosity & playfulness work is to first learn to recognize when shame & trauma narratives & hypervigilance is kicking in. Once we can hear those parts and see those parts, we can start to have gentler conversations and honor the parts that are trying to protect us. We thank them for trying to protect us. We tell them we have heard them and that we are capable of protecting ourselves and that we are choosing to show our desires. Of course there are many other pieces in the “we are capable of protecting ourselves” piece that we will also be developing as part of this practice.
Returning to curiosity & play
Teaching our child selves and our curious playful selves that it’s safe to stay in the curiosity and play is really the core of a lot of healing. Returning to and being able to stay in it is definitely an indicator of healing and safety. But establishing a practice of staying in curiosity & play requires us to create spaces for ourselves that feel space, surround ourselves with people who celebrate our play, learn discernment for what is and isn’t safe, and slowly start to show our bodies that showing curiosity and being playful doesn’t harm us anymore – that we are capable of looking after ourselves – that we have a solid grounded center and knowing of self that can’t be hurt or shamed out of being our true selves.
I will help you learn practice to stay curious & playful and learn to recognize the voices that take us away from the parts of ourselves that want to stay true to whatever our desires and needs and wants are in the present moment, however shameful or repulsive or unwelcome they may have felt in the past. I want to work with you to start noticing moments of arrival into the present moment, and to learn exactly what helps you get there and learn to notice who and what makes you feel that moment of arrival more easily and use that as a compass for our safety and play and curiosity.