Body Portals

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Communicating desires

“They should already know what I want” This feeling is so familiar and so comfy to go to for so many of us when we feel like our desires aren’t being met. It extends to everything from conflict resolution with people we love, to care we need when we are sick, to our lover(s) knowing what we love in sex and intimacy. This phenomenon and expectation is so common that we have a name for it in therapy and healing: “mind-reading”. We expect that people should know exactly what we need and if we have to tell, it’s less authentic and less “real”.

Curiosity & playfulness

Curiosity & playfulness as a practice Curiosity & playfulness is a perpetual practice of coming back to yourself and tending to the child within us who seeks safety so they can curiously & playfully learn about the world around them. I say “perpetual” because there isn’t an exact moment of arrival with learning about our true desires. It’s an ongoing process of discovery as we morph moment to moment, place to place, relationship to relationship. Our goal with curiosity about ourselves is to stay curious and listen – and not necessarily to find our “true essence” – I believe there isn’t a true essence to find but an every evolving self to truly be with.

Ethical non-monogamy

Normalizing non-monogamy challenges Often times when I talk to folks who are either new to ENM (ethical non-monogamy) or don’t have support structures in their life to support them through non-monogamy challenges, the challenges they face in ENM feel entirely intractable. They feel like they are alone in the feelings they are having, or that it’s not working just for them, or that it’s supposed to be easier. The truth is, for a lot of people, ENM is a more challenging way to relate. It doesn’t inherently provide the structural security of monogamy.

How trauma affects our sexual/erotic selves

TODO Trauma lives deep in our bodies and our nervous systems. Bodies have a lot of wisdom and shutting down in the face of danger and harm is one of the wisest things that bodies do to protect themselves during and after trauma. We develop all kinds of coping protective shutting-down mechanisms, and one of them is dissociating during sex & intimacy & even just sitting close to someone. Pushing through the shutdown TODO

Learn your body's yes's & no's

Content warning: physical abuse, sexual abuse Even as children, we learn to not listen to our bodies’ yes’s and no’s even when it’s not a direct result of trauma and abuse. Adults around us hug us when we might not want to, they might kiss us or pick us up. We might be forced by parents to wear clothes we don’t want to wear, or eat food we don’t want to eat. Of course, they are wanting to take care of us, but consent practices are often entirely missing and this is a topic that’s still not discussed much when it comes to rights and boundaries of children.

Shame

Shame blocks the feelings of our own goodness Shame is one of the biggest blockers of our ability to really be with ourselves and find our own goodness and love for our inner hidden selves and for our bodies. Shame can make so many of our parts feel ugly and unlovable and even inaccessible. Shame tells us that part(s) of us are unworthy of being seen or loved or shared. We then suppress those parts of ourselves that are “unlovable” and that mutes our larger expression of self.